The Fechino Files: The Perfect Bologna Sandwich

Steven Fechino

So, I was talking with Jerry Painter the other day, it was hot outside and I was taking a break to call Jerry to ask him a question, it seemed like the right thing to do. Our discussion, as usual, was about a masonry issue but since it was 11:50 am our stomachs decided to change the topic. The topic of lunch was easy, going to go get a bologna sandwich, or as we called it a sam-mich! 

We began with discussing the rules of the perfect sam-mich, it had to begin with white bread. Wonder bread or bunny bread preferably. No rye or wheat bread was allowed. Next was the lettuce, it had to be from an iceberg head, a big single leaf peeled off the top. Ok, bet your mouth is beginning to water now. We then discussed the bologna. Jerry like is cut on the number 7 at the deli, I was okay with four slices of Oscar Myer low fat.  

He gave me a hard time about the low-fat thing. You can add a pickle chip or 5, selecting dill bread and butter preferably. The tomato can be layered, but if it is too thick will cancel out the other ingredients, we settled on about ¼ inch thick slices, about three of them. Some like mustard on theirs, but we agreed wholeheartedly that Duke's Mayonnaise was the best, not too little, but not too much. It had to be enough that you needed a paper towel to wipe your mouth between bites. 

Yes, a paper towel, no cloth napkins are permitted. Here is where it gets real. You cannot, by Code 1234 of the bologna sam-mich council, it states that you cannot eat a bologna sam-mich off of a porcelain plate, it needs to be either a piece of wax paper, a paper towel, or two paper plates stuck together. 

The reason for the paper plate is because, with the pickles, mayo, tomato and the bologna, the contents of the sam-mich are slippery in between the bread and therefore require constant tapping of the crust of the sam-mich to the paper plate to hold everything in place, you know, realign the sam-mich.  

Otherwise, you will end up with a bunch of ingredients on the plate and miss out on the benefits of the sam-mich. You can have a glass mason jar of ice water, sweet tea, or lemonade to top it off, but you cannot have a cup of coffee, green tea, or beer as that would totally destroy the experience.

Pretzels and chips or Mac and cheese are the best sides for this meal, french fries, salad, and coleslaw are not permitted by the code.

Anyone that knows Jerry already can tell this was a real conversation, so real that I went to the market and picked up a few ingredients so I could make the perfect sam-mich. Go get you some!